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Special Session 15: The Marvin Solution

 

Recorded reluctantly by order of the Garden Council.

The Garden Council meeting began at 8:02 a.m.

This was already considered a mistake.

Mrs. Clover had barely finished calling the meeting to order when Harold the Horseradish raised his hand.

“Before we begin,” he said, “has anyone seen Marvin?”

Every member of the council looked around.

“No,” said Mrs. Clover.

“Excellent.”

There was a collective murmur of relief.

Then the door opened.

Marvin walked in.

He was carrying a storyboard.

The room went silent.

Mrs. Clover slowly removed her spectacles.

“Marvin.”

“Yes, Mrs. Clover?”

“Why do you have a storyboard?”

Marvin smiled.

“I have identified a problem.”

Several vegetables immediately began gathering their belongings.

Harold sighed.

“What problem?”

Marvin placed the storyboard next to the table.

“The garden has no system.”

Mrs. Clover blinked.

“We have several systems.”

“Yes,” said Marvin. “That's the problem.”

Nobody spoke.

Marvin continued.

“You have watering schedules, planting schedules, harvest schedules, compost schedules, meeting schedules, maintenance schedules, and a committee schedule for reviewing the schedules.”

Harold looked at Mrs. Clover.

She looked at Harold.

Marvin flipped a page.

“And nobody knows which schedule is the important one.”

“That,” said Mrs. Clover carefully, “is because they are all important.”

Marvin nodded.

“Exactly.”

He flipped back to the title page.

At the top was a handwritten title:

THE UNIFIED GARDEN SYSTEM

Underneath were seventeen arrows, six circles, three stars, and what appeared to be a drawing of a potato wearing spectacles.

Mrs. Clover stared at it.

“What does this mean?”

“It means,” Marvin said proudly, “I have optimized the garden.”

The carrots groaned.

Marvin pointed to the first arrow.

“Watering.”

Second arrow.

“Planting.”

Third arrow.

“Harvest.”

Fourth arrow.

“Snacks.”

Harold interrupted.

“Why is snacks in the middle of the agricultural workflow?”

Marvin looked genuinely surprised.

“Because people get hungry.”

Nobody had a reasonable response to this.

Marvin turned another page.

“I have also eliminated unnecessary meetings.”

Mrs. Clover brightened.

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I have replaced them with a single daily meeting.”

The room went silent again.

“At 5:30 a.m.”

The onions began crying.

Mrs. Clover closed her eyes.

“Marvin.”

“Yes?”

“Why 5:30?”

“Because that's when the garden is quiet.”

Harold stared at him.

“The garden is quiet because everyone is asleep.”

Marvin considered this.

“Exactly.”

There was a long pause.

Then a small voice came from the back of the room.

“What happens at the meeting?”

Marvin smiled.

“We discuss what we could have accomplished if we'd gotten up at 5:00.”

Mrs. Clover stood.

“No.”

Marvin looked disappointed.

“But I have charts.”

“No.”

“Graphs?”

“No.”

“A color-coded accountability matrix?”

Mrs. Clover hesitated.

Marvin smiled.

She sat back down.

“Show me the matrix.”

The Garden Council meeting continued for another forty-three minutes.

At 8:51 a.m., Wrangler entered the Council session carrying coffee.

She found the entire Garden Council gathered around Marvin's storyboard.

Marvin was explaining something involving arrows.

Wrangler stopped.

Looked at Marvin.

Looked at the Council.

Looked at the storyboard.

Then she said:

“Marvin.”

“Yes, Wrangler?”

“Are you reorganizing the Garden Council?”

Marvin thought about this.

“No.”

Wrangler waited.

Marvin smiled.

“I'm improving it.”

She sighed.

It was the same sigh.

The one everyone in the council had come to recognize.

The Garden Council waited.

Marvin waited.

Finally Wrangler looked at the storyboard.

She studied the Unified Garden System.

Then she looked back at Marvin.

“Marvin?”

“Yes?”

“Keep the snacks.”

Marvin's eyes widened.

“But—”

“Lose the 5:30 meeting.”

He considered this carefully.

“Could we make it 6:00?”

“No.”

“6:30?”

“No.”

“Seven?”

“Marvin.”

“Yes, Wrangler?”

“Go plant something.”

Marvin smiled.

“Yes, ma'am.”

He turned toward the garden.

Then stopped.

“Oh!”

Wrangler closed her eyes.

“What?”

“I've already reorganized the seed packets.”

The Garden Council erupted.

“MARVIN!”

He ran.
 

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Editor's Note

The Garden Council has since adopted a new policy.

All proposals submitted by Marvin must be reviewed.

All proposals involving revolutionary activity must be reviewed twice.

And all proposals involving clipboards or storyboards must be surrendered immediately.

Marvin has appealed the policy.

He has also submitted a revised version.

It is color-coded.

The Garden Council is currently hiding.